It's been awhile...

So, it's been almost a month since my last post and alot has happened in that time.

This past sunday I found a church that I think I reallly like. I am going to the Young Adults Night on friday to see if it's what I am looking for. More than anything, I need to get myself plugged in. It has been almost a year since I went to church regularly. I think it is the longest I have ever gone. It made me question alot of things, and I have. More than I ever wanted to, but i think that it is healthy for me to question my beliefs, if i don't, what kind of faith do i really have? a niave faith that i don't know why i have. I don't want that. But, now that I have those questions, i need someone to answer them. Me, sitting at home, is not going to help. I need to be fed, I need to reconnect.

This last year has been. well, hell. I don't even know the person I have become. I never thought I would be this broken person that I am. All i know is I don't want to be this person forever. I want to be me again. ANd my first step is Crossroads church. It is an Assemblies of God church in Moore, Oklahoma and i felt very comfortable there and i also felt free to worship. i haven't really felt free to worship since.... SNS @CCGF ended. that is a LONG time. I have worshiped since SNS, but I didn't feel free to do so, it has been more motion than anything else. I am really looking forward to this friday, I just hope I have the courage to put myself out there and not be the recluse I have become.

I guess we will just have to see how it goes.

What I didn't know I missed...

So, when I went home this past month I learned a lot about myself.  One major thing was that I missed being a leader to my girls.

I didn't really ever think twice about that.  I have been a leader for mid-high school girls since i was in middle school myself!  It's just second nature for me... point is - i took it for granted.  

Being a leader, especially Abby's, is what i feel was fulfilling a calling.  That is my calling - discipleship.  And now that I am not doing that,... well, I just think that has a lot to do with my state of "empty heart".  I think being a leader to someone like Abby gave me a reason for being outside of doing what I wanna do when I wanna do it...  I loved it.  I loved watching her grow in character, faith, and age.  I have been her leader since she was in 5th grade sneaking into our afterschool program cuz her older brother was there.  I remember helping her with her homework that first day I worked there.  Our relationship is more complicated now, but I can only pray that God will keep us connected and help me help her however I can.  Quaker Valley is a difficult school, socially speaking, and she and anyone else that goes there is gonna need all the support and love they can get.  I just hope I'm still in the position to give it.

Define: Friendship

“co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more beings. The term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism.”
This was all something I thought I knew. I always saw myself as someone who valued quality not quantity in the respect of friends. But looking back at the last 9 months... I'm no longer so sure about that. Out of everybody from home I really can only count on my mom... and 2 others... That is absolutely ridiculous! Today Chris told me, as I was looking at Julie's Facebook, that I was a glutton for punishment. After everything... I just thought we had a little bit stronger of a friendship.... I mean, we have been friends since... 1999... almost 10 years. It's just sad how distance screws everything up. Worse than that is Katherine acting fine one minute then as soon as I leave the city she doesn’t care who I am, what I have done for her, the friend I was to her, or when I’m coming home. I only fed her, gave her a place to stay, hung out with her, and introduced her to “the man of her dreams”… Oh well. Not much I can do about what people decide to do with their lives.


On the bright side, I thank God everyday for Jess Y and Leanne and I definitely thank Him for putting me in leadership at St. Stephen's to make one of the best friends I have ever had - Jess K. The 3 of them are amazing. I don't know what I would have done the last... 13 years without Leanne. And Jessie Young and I are like soul mates. We just get each other. It's really nice to have someone who just gets me. She doesn't judge, but she still lets me know what she thinks. It is helpful.
If I could just find someone like one of them here, it would make the next 5 years a lot easier. I have been looking at a lot of my pictures lately and it makes me sad. All my life, I felt like this outcast and just in the last 2 years I was really finding myself. I was becoming more comfortable with who I was and more happy with my life in general. Now, it’s like I am starting all over again and I don’t even know where to start.

Damnit. My lack of social experience screws me again!

HI

Hi,

My name is Bekki and I am an Air Force Wife.  I have come to realize in the last year that we have been in the Air Force that I have quietly lost myself.  This is my blog to express who I am to myself and if you find joy or interest in reading is, well... good! :) I'm happy for you. 

I am an Air Force wife, but I am so much more. 

Chris is my husband, he is 25 and works on the AWACs planes being an Airborne Surveillance Technician.  When he is doing his job he loves it, but here in Oklahoma City there are just too many ASTs and he doesn't get to get up in that plane enough.  

When i look back on my wedding reception pictures it just amazes me how much we have both changed.  He is an Airman now, we poise and respect whereas before he was a 24 year old computer man that didn't really respect himself.  I loved him then and I love him now.  But for me, the change has been different.

Back then, I was a college graduate working at a church doing what I love to do,  my job was amazing.  I worked with little kids, teaching them about God and how he fit into their lives. Now... I take care of a married set of doctors twin 1 year old boys - Mark and Luke.  I just don't feel like I am fulfilling anything.  I am just making it through the day.  My job is mundane and I don't really agree with the people I work for on anything concerning their children.  Everyday I go to work makes me want to be a mom - whether it is adoption or natural- I just want to take care of kids that are my own, not someone elses.  I KNOW i'll be a good mom, I'm just not yet.  And I can't be, as long as I am stuck doing this.  I need to find a career, but it is so hard down here.  I don't know the churches, I don't know the people.  I haven't even found a church that I like as a church-goer let alone as a job!  It scares me to think of myself working for a church that I don't agree with the mission, but thats exactly what I am doing in my current job.  It's just that they are people who want to 'raise' their kids differently than I would raise my own.  I have 5 more months in my contract and I am counting the days and already looking for another job.  Thats not how I used to be.  I used to throw myself into my work.  I LOVED my last nanny job in Pittsburgh - The Bablaks - Hannah, Elizabeth, Andy, and Emily and even more i loved their parents Jane and Jason.  I just fit better there.

I am completely lost in Oklahoma.  It's not where I belong,  I have nothing to contribute to a friendship or even a conversation and THAT is why after 9 months of living here I have exactly 1, yes count it, one, friend and she is my husbands friends wife.

Something must be done, i just don't know what. yet.