HI

Hi,

My name is Bekki and I am an Air Force Wife.  I have come to realize in the last year that we have been in the Air Force that I have quietly lost myself.  This is my blog to express who I am to myself and if you find joy or interest in reading is, well... good! :) I'm happy for you. 

I am an Air Force wife, but I am so much more. 

Chris is my husband, he is 25 and works on the AWACs planes being an Airborne Surveillance Technician.  When he is doing his job he loves it, but here in Oklahoma City there are just too many ASTs and he doesn't get to get up in that plane enough.  

When i look back on my wedding reception pictures it just amazes me how much we have both changed.  He is an Airman now, we poise and respect whereas before he was a 24 year old computer man that didn't really respect himself.  I loved him then and I love him now.  But for me, the change has been different.

Back then, I was a college graduate working at a church doing what I love to do,  my job was amazing.  I worked with little kids, teaching them about God and how he fit into their lives. Now... I take care of a married set of doctors twin 1 year old boys - Mark and Luke.  I just don't feel like I am fulfilling anything.  I am just making it through the day.  My job is mundane and I don't really agree with the people I work for on anything concerning their children.  Everyday I go to work makes me want to be a mom - whether it is adoption or natural- I just want to take care of kids that are my own, not someone elses.  I KNOW i'll be a good mom, I'm just not yet.  And I can't be, as long as I am stuck doing this.  I need to find a career, but it is so hard down here.  I don't know the churches, I don't know the people.  I haven't even found a church that I like as a church-goer let alone as a job!  It scares me to think of myself working for a church that I don't agree with the mission, but thats exactly what I am doing in my current job.  It's just that they are people who want to 'raise' their kids differently than I would raise my own.  I have 5 more months in my contract and I am counting the days and already looking for another job.  Thats not how I used to be.  I used to throw myself into my work.  I LOVED my last nanny job in Pittsburgh - The Bablaks - Hannah, Elizabeth, Andy, and Emily and even more i loved their parents Jane and Jason.  I just fit better there.

I am completely lost in Oklahoma.  It's not where I belong,  I have nothing to contribute to a friendship or even a conversation and THAT is why after 9 months of living here I have exactly 1, yes count it, one, friend and she is my husbands friends wife.

Something must be done, i just don't know what. yet.